A Far-Off Fairy Tale

In a land not too far away, lived a Prince who was actually just a Duke but all his other family members had been killed in a freak landslide that destroyed the castle, and as the last remaining royal family member left he was promoted to Prince.

This Prince was doing what Princes do, holding court with pretty maidens and being charming, when a courier burst into the palace, which wasn’t actually a palace as that had been destroyed and instead was the nicest house on the hill above the village, and screamed red murder. He couldn’t scream blue murder as there were ladies present and using blue language was frowned upon.

The courier rushed to the Prince who was really a Duke and told of an army of invaders that had broken through their defenses, their defenses being two local farm hands, a baker and a really large seamstress because the kingdom’s army had been washed away in a flash flood just the year before.

The Prince quickly called to arms all available women in the village, as he’d learned over the years that women fought meaner than men when their families were on the line, and quickly donned his royal armor and grabbed his sword.

Upon his mighty steed, which was a camel he had bartered from a traveling Sheik earlier in the year, after all the horses had come down with mad cow disease and had died, and charged with his army into the fray.

He was astonished to find that the invaders were men, women and even some children, and for an invading arming, they were rather cumbersome and slow. Zombies, he realized, what were the odds? It took almost no effort at all to vanquish the first wave, in fact the ladies set up a refreshment stand just behind them where they could have tea and wait for the next couple of invaders to lumber up. The Prince simply lopped off their heads with his sword.

The maidens found other ways to destroy the brains of the zombies, some used tools, some weapons, and one maiden opened her corset and the zombie’s head simply imploded. She was the oldest maiden in the village, a spray one hundred and two.

The Duke Prince was enjoying his second cup of tea and a biscuit when he saw there was only one Zombie left, and it was still half a mile or two away. Feeling generous, and in the mood to be charming, he kissed each of the ladies on the fingers, and sent them home to their husbands, then he started to stroll down towards the oncoming zombie.

It was a beautiful spring day, he thought, as took the time on his walk to smell the flowers and watch a butterfly flitter about the bushes on the side of the road. So intent in his merriment he did not pay attention to where he was going, and when he tripped over something he was forced to look down at his feet.

Bodies, he realized. Hundreds of bodies all strewn along the road, all half eaten and, at the least, mostly dead. Appalled by the sight, he scrambled backwards, felt the crunch of a dead person’s arm and fell onto the road. The Prince who was once a Duke had never seen a real battle, not like this and the carnage shocked and frightened him.

He saw that the lone Zombie was getting closer, so he started to rise to his feet and realized that he had badly wrenched his ankle and lost his sword! He started hobbling back towards his village, calling out for help, but as he had sent all the women home, there was no one to hear him.

Too soon the Zombie was upon him and the Prince who had been a Duke and would now, never be King, cried out as the Zombie grabbed him and sunk his wide, carnivorous mouth into his skull.

The Prince’s brain was made of candy, because after all, this is a fairy-tale. Such a sweet treat for the Zombie that he munched and crunched until he’d eaten the whole thing up. But as he stood, he got a horrible sugar headache.

“Arrrrghhhhhaggrhhhhh,” he growled, which was Zombie for I’ll just walk it off.

So, down the road he went, toward the village that would no doubt have more candied brains. But after a few slumberous steps his tummy twinged. Then it twanged. Then it really started to hurt. He slowed, which for a zombie means he stopped, and dropped down on the ground. He must have eaten something that didn’t agree with him, but he couldn’t think what.

He lifted up his tattered shirt and stared at his protruding stomach, then saw an eyeball staring at him from where his belly button used to be.

“Hello? Anyone out there?” the eyeball asked moving around and around in the zombie’s stomach, trying to get a better view.

“Arrrrggggehhehhggggeeahh?” the Zombie growled which meant who are you and what are you doing in my tummy?

“I’m a Bogeet” the eyeball said. “I’m what you get from eating too much candy.”

“Arrrrggggghhhhhhrggg?” Can you please get out of my tummy, was what the Zombie tried to say.

“I’m trying but this is the only hole I can find and I won’t fit through it. Any suggestions?”

As the Zombie had just eaten a brain he was a little smarter than what he would usually be and thought of a way. He tensed up and let loose an enormous fart that poofed out behind him in pink and yellow puffs.

“Well now!” said the Bogeet, once the candy coloured smoke had cleared and it found itself standing outside of the Zombie’s body. “That is so much better! Thank you very much.”

“Arrrgg.” Welcome, was the Zombie’s response as he stared at the pink, yellow and green striped creature that had one eye, three arms and four legs.

“I bet your tummy feels better, now?”

The Zombie nodded. His stomach ache was gone and he felt so much better. He continued to stare at the Bogeet for a long moment, as if trying to remember what it was. An eaten brain doesn’t last long in the memory of a Zombie so he was unable to recall what he had been doing earlier. He reached over and ate the candy coloured creature. Because that’s just what zombies do.


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February 26, 2018 · 3:27 am

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