You’ve heard of ‘ This is your brain…this is your brain on drugs?’ Turns out my brain on the Night Shift ain’t so far removed from that fried egg scenario.
There is nothing quite so alarming as going into a bathroom to do one’s business and finding strange, little polyester fluffs INSIDE the crotch of one’s underwear. What follows in an actual account of my reaction!
SSSSCCRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEECCCCHHHHHH (initially I thought it was spiders, you know, creepy, small, dark and in the one place you’re least likely to expect one to be) Luckily, I was in the bathroom so after nearly shitting myself I felt reasonably secure it would not cause an embarrassing catastrophe. I then picked up one of the pieces of dark fluff and thought WTF? How did these cheap, slightly abrasive elements get inside my carefully selected, 100% cotton, form fitting and Doctor approved boxer shorts?
Did they just detach themselves from the materials around my legs and crawl, swim, climb up? Were they just cold and seeking the nearest warmth, or had there been a mighty battle, like for Helm’s Deep, whereupon the few that ended up in my underwear were the only survivors? Was that swishing sound that accompanied my walk not just my enormous thighs but the actual sound of little polyesters dying, or was there something more sinister afoot here?
Were these, seemingly harmless pieces of fluff actually part of an alien race that had decided to integrate themselves into the very ‘fabric’ of our lives in the hope of taking over the planet? (An Alien origin would explain so much about Polyester) Holy crap! Had these little bastards been crawling around in my underwear all this time and I only just now noticed? Was this how little baby polyester uniforms were made? OMG! Am I wearing something that came out of another woman’s vagina? No wonder I got a rash! Sweet Crying Baby Jesus, am I pregnant???!!
Is this just the beginning of the end for us? Has the New World order actually developed these as a bio-weapon so that we would all end up looking like people from the fifties? Creepy, fluffy, legless parasites that crawl inside your underwear and impregnate you, then wait until you’re in a public area with hundreds of people, before it bursts through your stomach, like Alien, and immediately cover everyone in sight with horrendous polyester suits! Is this the start of the polyester apocalypse in which everyone would have to wear scratchy, unbreathable, UGLY material for the rest of our natural lives?? Lady Gaga! Save us!!! Noooooooooooooooooooooo!