My father once said that I do not have a selfish bone in my body, so perhaps I need a transplant to get a few in. I have always put others before myself. I have always done what others wanted to do, or worked to make others happy. I always heeded to another person’s schedule, sometimes even rearranging my own to make it fit so that I can spend time with them. I have always tried to be the comic relief for those that are stressed and the sensitive ear to those who’s hearts are bleeding, but no longer. No one is there to cheer me up, or pull me out of the pit of despair.
I am not a selfish person, but I am about to be. I lasted almost 6 years being 7th priority to my boyfriend, after his son, his mother, hockey, golf, his job and his ex wife. I find that I am even further down the list with the people that I call friends. I spent a lot of this day realizing, as I spent another weekend alone, that I am always the one to call and suggest a get together. I am always the one who texts first, or is left chasing after the attention of someone else.
In the last year, do you know how many invitations I have received from my friends to get together? And I am not talking about the mass invite to an event that I can’t get to because it is out of the GTA, or for a product party, I’m talking about actual; invitations for me and that other person to get together, see a movie, play some cards, have a good laugh… None. 0. Zip.
Do you know how many invitations I have made to others in the last year or so for the same reason? Dozens upon Dozens. Do you know how many accepted? 0. Zip. Ziltch. The reasons are all the same. Their work schedule is crazy. Their home schedule is crazy. They’re out of town. They’ve got too much going on….and then I see all the lovely updates of them out on the town having dinner, at a party, at a movie or whatever with their ‘other’ friends. All things that I wasn’t even considered for.
I began to realize that my friends didn’t really think about me all became most apparent when my friend married a few years ago. I was the one that got her and her husband together. I had them over to our house multiple times, helped them move and any manner of other things. When they got engaged, we were the last to know. When they got married, she had eight…eight bridesmaids, and I was not one of them. I was not even considered, though I had known her for several long years and considered us close friends, the only thing she asked me to do for her big day was a three minute reading, and that was last minute and mostly, I suspect, out of guilt.
My definition of friend obviously does not coincide with everyone else’s definition. A friend makes the time to get together with you after a month or two has gone by and they have not seen you. They don’t wait until you call or message and then beg off and claim they are too busy. A friend will check in on you now and then, with a call or a text or a message, just to see how you are doing, not wait for you to send a witty text and respond three days later with a simple ‘lol.
With the exception of my sister, who is also insanely busy with work and family and life, and my best friend who is in another province so we cannot see each other, I have seen only two of my friends, once in the past twelve months, and as always, I had to go to them and our time together consisted of a quick meal then they had to go again because they are busy, busy, busy.
Even my extended family wished nothing to do with me, the last few times I was home. I advised I was coming and with the exception of my Aunt, no one asked me to come for a visit or said they wanted to see me, but when my sisters or cousins go home, everyone makes the effort to get together with them. And people wonder why I have low self esteem? This is why. Actions speak louder than words, and the actions are that I am not wanted or welcomed.
When I deleted my face book account over three weeks ago, only a few asked for my contact information, and so far none of them have actually contacted me. Friendship is a two way street, and I am tired of being the only hitch hiker on a One Way going the wrong way.