SNOWMAGEDDON

 

It’s snowing. Not just any snow, but the kind of snow I love…big fluffy flakes, gently falling to create a pristine blanket against the ground. There is nothing so peaceful and serene as walking in this kind of weather.
When it snows, ain’t it thrillin’? Blow your nose it’s a chillin’. We’ll frolic and play the Eskimo way…walkin’ in a winter wonder laaaannnnnnnnddd!
Ouch. Oh yeah….one other thing I forgot to mention about this type of snow…it’s slippery as hell! Okay…gimmie a moment. Nothing broken. Check. All limbs attached. Check. Buttocks re-calibrated from sudden impact. Check. Okay- we’re good. Where was I?
Ah yes…snow.

It’s always interesting how people react to inclement weather. There are some people that unless it is clear and sunny, are all bundled up like they are living in the Antarctic instead of Canada. Others, what some would call- Pure Canadian’s eh- are walking around, no gloves, hat or umbrella, just a hoodie or an open jacket without a care that the rain or snow is falling upon them.

Drivers who are already suspect on the road, become candidate’s for Canada’s Worst Drivers, either driving in bad weather as if they were trying to outrun it, ignoring the carnage of pile up’s they leave behind, or they are crawling along at 10 km an hour, afraid more than a couple of snowflakes might actually collapse there Smart car.

As for me I am somewhere in between, I wear my winter coat in the winter and my summer jacket in the summer…and when I am back home in Newfoundland, I switch them out on a daily basis regardless of season and always carry a sweater or a poncho. I don’t drive, so feel reasonably secure (most of the time) on the buses during bad weather days. It’s not fun standing out in the elements waiting for a bus during a storm, especially when the bus you were waiting for doesn’t show and then the next one isn’t for 30-40 minutes, but I still prefer it to risking my life trying to drive in it with unsuspecting road terrorists ready to cause chaos.

And what kid doesn’t love snow days! They get to stay home from school, and build forts and have snowball fights and go sledding and happily exhaust themselves with fun. I was never one of these kids of course, I disliked the cold and couldn’t throw a snowball to save my life, so I was usually the one that ended up battered by them, or face down in a snowdrift, but nowadays, I rather like snow.

At the office, however, snow takes on an entirely different meaning. Snow means looking out the windows every twenty minutes and checking the weather forecast online. Will it snow? When will it snow? How much will it snow? They’re predicting the storm of the century! Can we go home early? What are the roads like? I don’t have snow tires, how will I drive? And on and on and on. OMG it’s Snomegedon! Twenty to Thirty centimeters!? Outrageous! We’ve never had that much snow! The world is ending!

We’ve never had that much snow? We’re in Canada! We’ve had ten times that much snow. But, a funny thing happens in Canada every year, and not many Canadian’s are aware of it. The moment Spring steps forth, people forget about snow and complain about drizzle and rain. Then summer seeps its way around the corner, and it’s too hot. Autumn falls upon on us (sorry- couldn’t resist), and for the most part, people seem to be content as we get warm days, cool days, sunny days and rainy days. Everything everyone has been complaining out for the last two seasons, suddenly is just dandy.

And then, out of n where (not like it comes the same time every year or anything) comes the dreaded Winter. Oh My Heavenly Gods! The cold! It’s so cold! Why is it so cold? Was it this cold last year? Oh wait it’s warm again, why it’s practically summer. It must mean that Global Warming is a real threat. I have the flu, yes me too. Why is everyone sick? Because the weather keeps changing. Why is it doing that? Because we don’t have enough to complain about!

Suddenly the worst happens and a weather forecaster predicts snow. EEEKKK! Snow? Here? In Canada? The world has gone to hell in a hand basket! Stock up on supplies! Get those Winter tires! All schools are closed due to prediction of snow! (YAY! Snow day for the kiddies) Office workers are calling in sick tomorrow due to weather. Some can’t drive on snow. Some can’t see in snow. Some can’t remember what snow looks like! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!

The snow comes, as a gentle whisper of flakes softly drifting to the ground to create a lovely wintery blanket over the dying grass and hard, dirty sidewalks. As this snow lazily floats to the ground, it has no idea of the carnage that is predicted, for it is just snow and has no understanding of us silly Humans. It dances, and prances, and drifts and sways, until Father Wind decides he’s had enough of all those cars driving over his beautifully individual and unique flakes and all those people stomping across his crisp clean carpet of white. They need a lesson.

A snow squall picks up and no one can see outside the office windows. Car alarms are going off, birds clinging to the building ledges peering in as if to say ‘What is wrong with you people? Let us the Fuck in!’ Trash bags float past, but you can’t tell what it is until it slams against the window and everyone…EVERYONE that is glued to the glass shrieks! They stand there waiting, watching and predicting their own demise by this horrific thing called snow.

Then the wind stops, the snow resumes its graceful cascade to the ground and pandemonium breaks out. Cries of early departure abound, coats are flung on even before the people are out of their seats. Alarms are beeping like a symphony as everyone rushes out to their vehicles in the hopes of getting home before the next phase of the storm hits and they are sucked into the never-ending void of white.

Once on the road all the rushing comes to a complete and sudden stop as each vehicle crawls along the snow laden roads, inching desperately towards their destination where they can lock all the doors close all the curtains turn up the heat, watch Hawaii Five O and forget about the snow, but they won’t be getting home any time soon.

Jack Frost and Old Man Winter have a bet going to see how many accidents there will be, how many pedestrians will wind up with a wet ass as they try to hustle down the sidewalk in four inch heeled boots, tugging at their micro mini’s and shivering in their tights and yoga pants. HAHAHAHAHAHA

I’ll take a piece of that Jack! Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, snow. The moral of the story boys and girls is that snow, while wet and cold and somewhat slippery, it is NOT the end of the world and the only thing that really makes it dangerous, are the people who panic over it.

 

This combo photo shows people falling on the ice and snow along on January 22, 2014 in New York. The northeastern US shivered amid heavy snowfall and far below average temperatures in a storm that grounded thousands of flights and triggered traffic chaos.   AFP PHOTO / TIMOTHY CLARY        (Photo credit should read TIMOTHY CLARY/AFP/Getty Images)

The end.

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2 Comments

March 2, 2016 · 2:18 am

2 responses to “SNOWMAGEDDON

  1. T. Sharp. Dopler

    You my dear sister are brilliant!

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